Quarantine Exhaustion and How to Beat it

My emotional world has started to close in on me. It is as if my smaller physical world is nagging at my mind, telling it to come along: “you can be small, too. Let’s get small, feel small, and forget about all the love out there. Just think about the doom and how powerless you feel alone and in your virtual world. Compare your measly accomplishments to others and feel the smallness!” I am fighting quarantine exhaustion, and I hope to beat it.

At first I FaceTimed and exercised every day, had different national and international taiko zoom meetings, and reached out to others to connect. I encouraged my family to do special family outings in the parks or to play games. Charades anyone? This was pandemic inventive! Games or family activities every day. Additionally, I wrote, and I worked on my dream. Basically, I took charge of the situation, knowing what I needed for my emotional health.

I so appreciated seeing people’s faces. Having conversations and hearing voices felt wonderful! I loved connecting on FaceBook with my friends. I felt strong, in shape, and as though I could get through this, despite not knowing how long it would be until I could play music or drink coffee with friends.

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But after a few weeks, I got tired. I started to feel more withdrawn. Quarantine exhaustion felt real. It was as if the anxiety of the pandemic and staying at home was gnawing at me more and more. It was tugging at me to stay in bed and binge watch Game of Thrones. Once, during a zoom meeting with mostly European, but also a few North American drummers there was a chance when the formal topic ended to just talk. But after only a few minutes I wanted to leave. I didn’t understand why, because I liked to hear what these people were saying – some of them were wonderful friends I was close with.

Of course, I googled to investigate why I didn’t feel as connected as I felt I should, even though it also seemed obvious. Without any great insight it seems natural that true connection for humans comes from being together physically. Plus, I had spent the last ten years of my life working on becoming more social. By the time of the pandemic, I drummed with friends two to three times a week. I volunteered most weeks and exercised with a friend fairly regularly. I went to movies, book club, lunch, and other events. Being a writer and a home-business owner, as my children had grown, I had needed to do this for my well-being.

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During the second half of April, I realized I was slowly sliding into the darkness, despite feeling grateful for me and my family’s health and well-being. Over the years I have learned that being grateful for one’s circumstances is not enough to feel content. It doesn’t mean I feel guilty for my circumstances. It means I believe humans or at least that I was meant for more connection. I needed more face-to-face conversations and more accomplishment.

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My old reality and my dreams and goals from just a two months ago seemed so far away. It felt harder and harder to work on them and to remember that this too shall pass. It was hard to remember that maybe I’m not heading toward death and destruction and grief. I felt and have been feeling small and powerless. Furthermore, I am angry at Schleich and Amazon.com who, with their economic bullying are taking away so much of my income. No matter what I write to them, they do not care. I feel angry at all the corporations and greed and at our incompetent and immoral politicians and their supporters. I was starting to feel I will never accomplish my dreams. Of course, logically, this didn’t make sense: the pandemic will end at some point.

Still, as a survivor of patriarchy and too many bad things that can happen to young people, feeling angry and powerless is a familiar, deep-seeded feeling. I know it has the power to bring me down into a darkness I haven’t visited for a long while. So, before I slip too deeply…

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I woke up realizing it is Prince’s death anniversary, and I decided that I was going to feel differently. As I wrote this essay, I sat looking out the window by my bed.

I wanted to write, to believe, and to tell you that we can get through this. I can get through this. If I can get through this, so can you. Please join me in believing that this pandemic will end without the entire world dying. Join me in believing we can have large gatherings with lots of human connection and interaction. As we shelter-at-home and feel grateful for those who are risking their lives for us, know we are doing the right thing for the greater good. Know that we will persevere, that you and I have inner strength and wisdom and love that we and the world needs.

I want to beat quarantine exhaustion

So, today I will wear some purple.

Today I will do something with my hair.

I will work a little on my dream, even if for just ten minutes.

Today I will call a friend.

Today I will express to someone, somehow my true feelings.

And I will step outside and look up to the sky. I will breath in and feel my inner power and wisdom and the connection I have to the great universe.

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On top of our daily work, if we can also take a few minutes every day to do some of these positive things or to do as many of them as we can fit in, then I know we can get through this. I know I can. No matter how much time each of us has left on this earth, we can spend it knowing that we can make a difference in ourselves and in those around us, even if we are stuck at home for the duration of the pandemic. We can find meaning in our circumstances and beat quarantine exhaustion.

So, I ask you to look out your window, step out your door, or just look to the ceiling. Imagine a – or look to the – big beautiful sky. See how big you can become, feel how much wisdom and love you have inside yourself. Know you can share this love and spread it and help heal the world. Know too, that all love given returns. The positive energy you send out today and every day will help others and yourself as well.

* * * * *

Trying to beat quarantine exhaustion.
This essay came to me upon waking and realizing it was Prince’s death anniversary. I wrote it looking out the window, sometimes with one of my cats near my side. Today I gain strength knowing that in the time I have left on this earth, I can make a difference for myself, my family, and the world. My dreams will materialize because I can work on them bit by bit and because I can make a difference. My heart goes out to all of you also having a difficult time during this pandemic. Stay with me to beat quarantine exhaustion.

Sexual Violence in War, Police Custody, Civilian Life


Let’s beat quarantine exhaustion!

Note from September 8, 2020: Of course, if any of you read through all my essays, you will see, I was unable to beat quarantine exhaustion. I tried my darnedest. But I was facing a lot. To me, the most important was that I saw where I was. I was honest with my kids who checked in on me. I asked my doctor for help. Within a week, I was doing so much better. I am grateful to friends, my kids, doctors, and the universe for helping me through that difficult time.

Find meaning in your pandemic circumstances even if you are at home

Many of us who are not essential workers feel a mix of relief and guilt, while we also try to figure out if there is another way to help those in need. Staying at home is a public health service, but many of us want to do more. You can find meaning in your pandemic circumstances: in the past weeks, I have found some in mine. I began the stay-at-home period fearing for my mental health, and I also felt both guilt and relief because I am temporarily successfully self-employed.

I am a small business owner of over twenty years. Small means that I am the CEO, the accountant, the strategist, the packer, the logistics manager, the buyer, etc. I wear all the hats except during the holiday season, when a couple of friends or a family member help me pack.

I’ve enjoyed gross sales of over $100,000 for at least thirty percent of the years in business. This was enough to make me feel as though I were contributing something to the family besides my unpaid labor. Having given up in frustration with Amazon and eBay, for years I tried to make a go with my own websites. But about eight years ago I ended up returning to the large marketplaces.

Had I made this a full-time endeavor, my story would be different. I never took out a business loan. Business plan? Nope, never had one (I was in graduate school, and this was a part-time, fun gig). I maintained my own websites, which quickly meant mine became old-fashioned and cumbersome. Except for on a couple of occasions I didn’t invest in professional development or any other professional services. I started my business while in graduate school and continued as I homeschooled my kids. But all along I kept it a part-time endeavor, since I was also interested in other work .

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Before the pandemic I received a letter from Schleich, a name brand toy company I have carried for over fifteen years and primarily sold on Amazon.com. I also sold a little on eBay and Sears, and even less on my own website. Schleich told me they now forbid their customers to sell on the large marketplaces. This came after I had just purchased thousands of dollars of toys.

In December one of their representatives assured me that if anything happened with Amazon they would refund inventory I had purchased. The rep was aware of the problems I had with Amazon. (For the last three to four years I’ve had multiple issues on Amazon with my Schleich listings. This was because they intended to be the sole carrier of Schleich and other name-brands. Amazon would take my listings down or or make it very difficult for me to list in ways I can with less-known brands.) Now, they won’t give me an answer as to whether they will take any inventory back.

Schleich’s agreement with Amazon states that Amazon will be the only retailer selling Schleich toys on Amazon.com. This takes away at least ninety percent of my business.
They are slowly controlling the markets and sellers of name-brand products on their platform. This hurts many more businesses on their marketplace than just mine.

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Having already purchased much of what I would need in 2020, when Minnesota started to shut down, I had $38,000 in inventory, but with business so slow during the year, I had no idea how I was going to get rid of this without just donating it and taking it as a loss. I keep emailing Schleich asking about returning items, but they won’t respond properly. I marked everything down and put a sale on all Schleich items, plus I lowered my shipping and handling costs.

In the third week of March, the orders suddenly started coming in. It wasn’t as busy as during the holiday season, but much more than usual for this time of year. As I realized what was happening, I felt guilty. So many people were suffering around the country, and they wanted to get their children a toy. They were suffering, while I was getting rid of inventory. Sure, it will take many months to rid myself of the majority of it, but still, I was busy and successfully self-employed (not that I have ever been eligible for unemployment). I reconciled myself with the thought that at least the children were getting toys without costing their parent’s too much.

As the weeks have passed, while I still feel lucky and privileged to be safe, fed, and housed, I also realized it is okay that I am getting rid of my inventory. It’s not okay that others are suffering greatly. It’s also not okay that this billion-dollar corporation sold me thousands of dollars of inventory before basically putting me out of business. That Amazon determines the online marketplace to the extent that they do? That’s not okay. It’s not okay that Amazon and other large corporations don’t pay any taxes, while I do. I don’t have employees, but I still work hard for what I earn, and I then put money back into the economy. I cannot earn unemployment or any benefits from the government.

Find meaning in your pandemic circumstances

After a month I have realized a deeper meaning for me. For years I have insisted that I didn’t want to be a retailer. I am a historian, and I wanted to do something that felt more meaningful. Besides writing, I wasn’t sure what that will be – if I would tutor more people, edit more essays, or what. I started writing again about ten years ago. This helped my sense of purpose, but things hadn’t fallen into place yet.

Now in 2020 the corporate bullies have pushed me into action, ideas have landed in my lap, and I have a new sense of purpose knowing I can use my other talents to make the world a better place. Despite not being sure how to lose myself of so much inventory without taking a great financial loss, the pandemic has allowed me to ship out hundreds of toys to children who are also at home with their working parents. I stopped feeling guilty for this, because it will help me move quicker to a new project. There is value in providing children with quality toys. Yet, I am grateful that at some point I will be able to focus on other areas in my life.

So as I sit at home waiting out the pandemic and packing so many toys, I keep my dream of more meaningful work for myself alive each day. It will come…Find meaning in your pandemic circumstances, somehow. This will hopefully be temporary!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/victimsheroessurvivors/Victims, Heroes, Survivors: Sexual Violence on the Eastern Front During World War II. PhD dissertation.

With perspective you can find meaning in your pandemic circumstances
We can have perspective…we will persevere. You can not only survive, but also thrive! ❤️